Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
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How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
what’s the point then??
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
What do geologists do on a day by day basis? I mean…haven’t we basically discovered all the rocks by now? I don’t get it.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
her: Say something nice to me.
me: Your friend is like, a ten.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
*skinny dips into black hole
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.