When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
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My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Doctors texting each other.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!