Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
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All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
All set.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!