what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
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Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
rise and shine we got egg
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.