ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
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WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Here’s a meme
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside