Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
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I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!