[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
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DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Tastes like chicken.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
the official breakfast of 2021
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?