Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
You Might Also Like
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
me tryna look cute after stress eating for the last 17 months
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
uncle dave has been through hell
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET