Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
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Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
road rage
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Because everyone in Italy is quarantined, the natural wildlife has returned to the water and forests ❤️ We are the virus
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.