If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
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[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now