If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
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“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Just been banned from my church’s Easter service.
Apparently the first words Jesus spoke after emerging from his tomb weren’t “Ta-Daa!”
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
crochet youtube is brutal
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
happy mother’s day❤️
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.