i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
You Might Also Like
These dogs look like they have good credit.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.