I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
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Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Free him
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*