Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
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Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.