Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
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My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best