John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
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*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.