Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
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toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Doormats are a gateway rug.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
PLEASE READ
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
WIFE: We’d have less arguments if he wasn’t so pedantic
THERAPIST [to me] Is that right?
ME: No. It should be fewer arguments
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it