A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
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Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
opening a flower shop called women in stem
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”