What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
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When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
Banana is the quietest snack
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out