Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
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Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
bad news gang
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.