OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
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8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
mom had nothing to worry about
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY