yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
You Might Also Like
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
Thrilling chase underway
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Imagine having a party on purpose.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Them: thanks for the anti-perspirant
Me: no sweat
this chia pet tastes awful
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
that’s really how it is
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.