Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
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How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
my professor scared me for a second
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.