Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
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Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
My dog ate my work from home.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
🚲+physics = winner
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
“Are you still watching?”
Yes, Netflix. I didn’t magically get my shit together in the last three hours.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket