*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
You Might Also Like
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
crochet youtube is brutal
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*