dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
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WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
DATE: Didn’t you order peppers on your salad? I don’t see any-
ME: *whispers* Ghost peppers
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
i wanna see the masterchef jr deleted scenes that HAVE to exist of gordon ramsay calling a kid the c-word for trying to julienne a snickers
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.