“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
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[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
me refusing to leave twitter
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.