The existence of egg nog presupposes the existence of other, more obscure nogs.
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I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
[december 31st]
me: I really don’t want toguy who made up that statistic about eating 8 spiders a year: *passing me a bowl* andrew. please.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.