Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
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MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!