Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
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You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team