Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
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Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.