If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
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serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Florida man
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time