“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
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3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
Netflix and you sit over there.
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
The me who had a cocktail and then signed up to bake 200 holiday cookies, chaperone the field trip, and decorate the classroom door, and the me who has to actually do all that this week are two very different people.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Thinking about getting a part-time job on the weekends so I can take my family to Disney World in 2028.