They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
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I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Me: *wakes up sobbing*
Him: Again??
Me: I’m just so terrified…
Him: You really have to stop dreaming you’re a published author and are asked to read a passage to fans, which includes the word “vehemently”
Me: I know… I know.