Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
You Might Also Like
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
File under excellent bookstore names.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then