Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
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(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Pretty certain I can more drunk
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.