I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
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Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
had to share :’)
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together