In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
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so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
doing your own taxes
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I always eat free range chicken… free range fish, free range hot dogs & free range ramen. (Somebody gave me this old stove)
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I swear people go to Starbucks and just say random words…
“Lemme get a grande iced mocha no foam quad soy hexagon vortex hypothesis with steamed ice”.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.