6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
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Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”