Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 馃槱
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Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I鈥檓 so swole
me: [thinking] I don鈥檛 want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
Well, this explains it:
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You鈥檙e supposed to yell timber.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn鈥檛 talk through the game.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
This is painfully accurate 馃槄
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*