Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
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ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
And they lived apathetically ever after.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded