a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
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The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Liquor Store Parking
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
This is hilarious….
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that