When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
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My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Broom by every window for quick escape.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.