Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
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Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Fights fire with marshmallows
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip