Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
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A ghost story
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
She puts the hot in psychotic
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street