[family feud]
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
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Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
watergate? u mean a dam??
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
My blood type is b hungry.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
I just tested negative for patience.
We all have our pet causes.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time