I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
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Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
Straight people are cancelled
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.