I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
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Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”