Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
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She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that