im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
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Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes